Death

Recognition

I have created this illusion in my mind.

That I am weird.

That my body is hideous.

That I alone, am ugly.

I believe that anyone is stupid

to be with me.

To see something in me.

To love me.

For what is there to love?

My teeth are crooked.

My breasts aren’t perky.

I have stretch marks.

I sweat a lot.

My feet look like hands of an animal.

and I have more chins than Chinatown.

And yet, I’m about to hit three months with him.

Someone who saw past all my stretched thighs,

crooked grill, sad breasts, and the hate I held for myself.

For so long, I had been unhappy with myself.

I allowed myself to be this way.

I listened to sad music and soon became

part of the song.

The lyrics were now about me.

I was the girl with a constant headache,

wanting a heart tattoo, and alas always

dizzy on the come down.

For I felt that losing you truly was

like cutting my fingers off.

I lost him for a week.

And it tore me to bits of grain.

And I’ll never let him walk away again.

I said I loved him a little too early.

And I believe that drove him away.

I believe I scared the both of us.

And though I second guessed if we should be together,

given the arguments and daily heartbreak moments…

Well there really no one I’d rather be with.

Do I love him?

Well that’s something only I  truly know

and will keep to myself for awhile.

But I can tell you

that I am incredibly happy.

that I am starting to love myself

and see beauty in all my differences.

I love my smile.

I love my ugly feet.

I love most of my body.

and I love being with him.

He is perfect.

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

Afters

Why can’t I ever be satisfied at the end of the night?

Here I am, laying next to the one I love most.

And yet I still feel empty.

I still feel like I did with the others.

I know he’s mine but at the same time,

It doesn’t feel like I’m his.

Why do I feel like this?

He kisses me all night, talks about our future…and yet it still hasn’t clicked that this boy is actually into me.

It’s just hard I guess.

How do you let someone love you if you don’t love yourself?

Why do I always cry once they’ve fallen asleep?

Why do I wake up in tears and pain?

I love this boy…

Why am I still crying?

Why can’t I realize that he is mine?

Why am I like this?

Why do they like me…

Sweetness, I was only joking 

I’m smiling

My eyes assure you it’s okay.

My lips tell you it’s fine.
I tell you I’m alright.

You really don’t know.

Pull back the curtains.

And the real me will show.
Shine the light on my eyes,

You’ll see they’re still sad.

Kiss my lips tenderly,

You’ll feel how broken they are

chapped.

Peel the fake skin off,

You’ll see the freshly swollen nostrils.

I didn’t mean to…

What have I done?

Who have I become?
And it becomes so intense.

The feeling.

The rush.

The moment is both a blur

And crystal clear.

Crystal…

No I’ll never do that.

Then again, never tasted so sweet.

I want more.

The feeling I get

Is both exhilarating

And horrifying.

What have I done?

WHO have I become?

6am

I woke up this morning

And I felt brand new.

I’m not sure why

Perhaps I’m feeling better.

Perhaps I’m coping 

being without you.

6am and a million thoughts

 fill my head.

It was all too much.

Things are better left

Unsaid.

My health has gotten better

Now that you’re gone.

I haven’t felt this great in months..

Oh how it has felt 

so long.

I started writing again

Because that’s all I can produce 

To feel better about myself.

To acknowledge 

The truth.

6am and a million thoughts

Fill my head.

I’m feeling better.

The girl who once loved you is now

 dead.

Blind

And I look in the mirror.

And the figure who I see.

She’s beautiful, tall, with blue eyes.

But goodness, This can’t be me.

She stands alone

In the dark

Forever lost in the dream world.

She talks of love as if

It’s all meant to be.

She has curly brown hair

And this just can’t be me.

For I am let down

Every step of the way.

I just wish to know the true concept

Of love.

I just wish I knew what to say.

And if love was made for us,

Than we would all be happy.

But that’s not how life works …

That’s not how it was for me.

Love will kill you

Just as soon as you get a glimpse of it.

It’ll soak your sheets with tears

And smeared mascara.

Love will eat you.

It’ll start at your heart.

Then work it’s way to your brain.

Give it enough time ,

And my darling,

You’ll go insane.

Love was not meant for me.

That tall beautiful curly-haired blue eyed girl….

…she can no longer see.

Falling in love

Is my deepest fear.

I don’t recognize it

Just like that pretty girl 

In the mirror.

Who are you?

The Needle

You are a needle.

Weaving in and out
Of my heart.
My life.
My thoughts.
You can’t keep doing this.
It hurts more when you do.
Your thread you carry
Is beyond thick.
And everytime you pop through
The seams,
I feel you.
I feel everything.
And I don’t want to.
Please stop.
I’m begging you.
With every stroke of the wrist
In
Out
In
Out
You create more holes.
And though they may be small
They hurt like hell.
Each one is sharp at the tip.
 In

Out
In
Out.
Relinquish me!
Please stop.
I’m begging you.
Please stop reminding me
I’m alone.
Please.

2016 Massacre

I hate this year.

I hate 2016.

It’s been nothing,

but bad.

You know what I mean?

January

came and went.

The month was mean.

He took Professor Snape.

He took the Goblin King.

He did not ” Take It Easy”

Glen Frey is dead.

“Peaceful Easy Feeling ”

Enough said.

February

sucked the love out of me.

She took away my childhood.

Daffy,Sylvester, and Bugs Bunny.

To Kill a Mocking Bird?

Yes, You know the book..

And you’re right if you guessed

Harper Lee was the next life

she took.

March

He took Reagan’s wife.

First lady of the U.S.

Hopefully she lived a good life.

Sinatra Jr.

Now he could sing.

Just like his father.

A Ring a Ding Ding.

April

This woman was truly insane.

She murdered The Emperor of Pop.

Amidst the Purple Rain.

He wanted to be her lover.

She decapitated his soul.

He wanted to be her brother,

Her axe wasn’t dull.

May

She’s a doll.

She accidentally killed some people.

But in some cases,

Eventually, heroes do fall.

June

She was always the latest.

I’m not sure if I can forgive her,

She killed ” The Greatest “.

Three time heavyweight champion

that was he.

Yes you know, Muhammed Ali.

July

Oh what a guy.

I’m not sure who he killed

I could look it up

but eh, why try?

August

Boy I’d tell him where to stick it.

He took Ol Blazing Saddles.

The last golden ticket.

Gene had a special place in our hearts.

Well..at least in mine.

We can’t forget his classics.

Young Frankenstein.

September and October

They go hand in hand.

They behaved themselves, somewhat.

I don’t expect you to understand.

September killed  Arnold Palmer.

October crucified Bobby Vee.

Tea and Lemonade.

” Take Good Care of My Baby “.

November

I had to save him for later.

He did a good deed.

He wiped out a horrible dictator.

Now I can’t tell you much,

cause I have yet to meet my major.

But Castro was a communist.

He put Cuba’s life in danger.

Regardless

He’s not what you would call benign.

Google search this:

overthrow Fugencio Batista 1959.

December

Way to end with a death cycle.

I can now say ” Last Christmas”

December, She killed George Michael.

I could go on about “Careless Whisper”

But let’s end this with our Princess Leia

aka Carrie Fisher.

She may have been a druggie,

But  alas,

we’ll miss her.

May The Force Be With You.

End with Hope.

Please let her be the last one.

Someone check on The Pope.

I hate this year.

I hate 2016.

It’s been nothing,

but bad.

You know what I mean?